It's Like Breathing

 I found myself asleep again today during my 20 minutes of centering prayer. I had spent some time exercising in the morning and before I started on my will-this-thing-ever-be-finished project, I opted to engage in my current Lenten prayer practice. 

The book which sort-of guides me in this process has a couple of pages of text and then a mantra to use while praying and a select scripture passage for lectio divina. I say "sort-of guides" me because it has forty days of entries and I read the 7th one today. Clearly, I'm not on track.

The entry I read today talked about the interaction of Moses with God at the burning bush, but specifically the name of God. The writer discussed how God used the first person singular of the verb "to be" to name God's person, "Ehyeh," I AM. In the writer's interpretation, he says in pronouncing the word, one breathes - In on "eh" and out on "yeh," and then he goes one step further. He suggests the name of God correlates with the sound of breathing. By taking in a breath through the mouth, we verbalize "eh," and as we breath out, with mouth open, we verbalize "yeh." 

Without even recognizing it, we "say" God's name with every breath - as if it is a constant reminder of God being with us, in us, outside of us, all around us. We do not escape God. "Bidden or unbidden God is here," was reportedly posted in Carl Jung's office - and if we take this idea of "Eh - yeh" to heart (and add in a creation story), the breath of God which first enlivened humankind is actually "I AM" moving in and out of us - all of us - to this day. 

The idea has implications for praying without ceasing as well, but we spring-forward tonight, so no additional chasing this line of thought.

Interestingly enough, the name of God changes to the third person singular masculine form of the verb since naming something implies power over it - but seriously, God gave the name to Moses in the first place. We didn't name God, God named God and then told us about it. If God didn't want the name used, why give it? And, of course, by giving God the 3rd person masculine form, one immediately says something about gender dynamics and power structures. 

Going back to Genesis, "Then God said, “Let Us make humankind in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the livestock and over all the earth, and over every crawling thing that crawls on the earth.” Notice the third person plural? The term for God in the Hebrew there is a plural form, and God's name as God gives it is without a gender, "I AM." We are created in God's image, male and female.

I hear the rumblings about what I may be saying, and sure, other places God is called by masculine terms (a lot of them by Jesus), but culture shapes our understanding of God and we have to be mindful of this. . .

And we have to breathe: "Eh," "yeh"; "Eh," "yeh"; "Eh," "yeh"

PRACTICE

Lectio Divina: Read the following passage through after a few deep breaths and pay attention to any word or phrase which sticks out for you. Read through again and pay attention to anything further you notice about the word/phrase and how it applies to you. Read through again and spend time in prayer with the word/phrase asking God what you need to understand/know/do with the word/phrase (i.e., How might God be guiding you? What needs your further action? Where may your understanding need to be changed or expanded? How may this impact your relationship with someone else?). End with a time of thanksgiving. 

Exodus 3:13-17, The Message

13 Then Moses said to God, “Suppose I go to the People of Israel and I tell them, ‘The God of your fathers sent me to you’; and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ What do I tell them?”

14 God said to Moses, “I-AM-WHO-I-AM. Tell the People of Israel, ‘I-AM sent me to you.’”

15 God continued with Moses: “This is what you’re to say to the Israelites: ‘God, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob sent me to you.’ This has always been my name, and this is how I always will be known.

16-17 “Now be on your way. Gather the leaders of Israel. Tell them, ‘God, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, appeared to me, saying, “I’ve looked into what’s being done to you in Egypt, and I’ve determined to get you out of the affliction of Egypt and take you to the land of the Canaanite, the Hittite, the Amorite, the Perizzite, the Hivite, and the Jebusite, a land brimming over with milk and honey.”’

One World

 

St. Michael's, Kyiv, Ukraine

Photo credit: https://www.atptour.com/en/tournaments/kyiv/9558/overview

I lived in Kyiv, Ukraine from September 1998 to August 1999 on the "wrong" side of the Dnieper River in a Stalinist style flat on the fifth floor. My teammates and I walked to the Metro transporting us into downtown Kyiv where we taught English as a Second Language and found our way as aliens, foreigners, expats. 

After the new wore off, the daily realization of living somewhere completely outside of the USA's culture left blisters aching for some balm to soothe them. Kyiv was gritty, raw. The babushki sold cigarettes in the caverns of the Metro system, the recycled air smelled of garlic and sinus infection in the winter (which was long), and black footwear showed less of the gray dirt coating everything. 

I remember telling my sister around Christmas time how the USA seemed dream-like in its quality: No one stood in line for bread! Any and every kind of fresh vegetable and fruit lay clean and overflowing in any grocery store. A car made everything a convenience and brought the independence and freedom of an entirely higher class. (Mind you, this describes my experience in the South - a privileged experience not all those who live in the US have.)

Ukraine was reality, though. I had awoken from my dream and life had a bite, a scrappiness to it. You did what you had to do to survive, like eating Salo (pig fat) for calories because no other food was available or affordable. 

I sit in the sunroom in our home tonight and consider the contrast. I write these pondering and wanderings each night in Lent, but I have the luxury of reflection, of food security, of work, and of a calm domestic life. Many do not. 

So tonight, I offer prayers 

for those nations torn and traumatized by war, 

for aliens and foreigners in the US and abroad trying to find their way,

for the food insecure,

for the abused and the abusers,

for those who struggle to find rest 

                                        and money to pay the bills,

for the lonely, the suffering, the outcast.

Spirit, pray the prayers we know not how to pray

            and be with all of us

to heal us and to make us

agents of Your Love.

Practicing

 

Photo credit: "Festival of Lights" John August Swanson

"I no longer practice my faith." This line shimmered* for me as I sat listening to a teenager, and while the phrase is common, I began to consider what this phrase may mean.

Is faith a guitar? 6 (maybe 12) strings you tune then pick and strum everything from Elvis, to the BeeGees,  to Nirvana (and now, Taylor Swift)? And then the revelation of alternate tunings creates a drone with every chord or ushers you into yet another musical form? 

Is faith another language? Learning anew how to say "hello, my name is. . .where is the toilet, please?" Figuring out how words fit together differently than in your native grammar. Realizing you have to use your tongue, teeth and mouth with more "hutzpah" or trill or tone. Even the shape of the constants and vowels are alien, what looks recognizable sounds foreign when said. 

Is faith a sport? Teams tusseling on turf; tackling, sacking, striving to reach a goal to "win the prize"? 

Is faith handwriting? Manuscript paper and oversized pencils for nerves not yet myelinated for fine motor control - letters writ large across the top and dotted, so you can learn the curves of faith, the areas where the spaces are large, the narrow and straight path. . .the cross?

Is faith yogic in its mantra of "practice, not perfection" - a subtle wisdom whispering of the human condition which finds us falling short as we strive for one goal or another?

As I've spent daily time in centering prayer, I understand the need for practice. My mind fills with the day ahead (or the day behind), a conversation I wanted to have but didn't. Sometimes I fall asleep and startle awake at the ending song of the singing bowl. I return to my breath, consider how to tune in to God. My dog nuzzles me for attention and love. Getting into the zone takes time.

But this is not faith. I practice because the faith has already possessed me, because I have stood in its waterfall, been splintered by its power and held by its force. And yet, it is not the greatest of all that remains.

Again, I know more can be said, but not by me. May faith find you wherever you may be.

*During the GSD workshop, "shimmer" referred to a word, phrase, image a group member used which stood out to the one listening; as sign God may want the speaker/listener to delve into the word, phrase, image more.

PRACTICE (-ING)

Lectio Divina: Read the following passage through after a few deep breaths and pay attention to any word or phrase which sticks out for you. Read through again and pay attention to anything further you notice about the word/phrase and how it applies to you. Read through again and spend time in prayer with the word/phrase asking God what you need to understand/know/do with the word/phrase (i.e., How might God be guiding you? What needs your further action? Where may your understanding need to be changed or expanded? How may this impact your relationship with someone else?). End with a time of thanksgiving. 

Hebrews 11:1

"Now faith is the certainty of things hoped for, a proof of things not seen."

I Corinthians 13:13

"And now faith, hope, and love remain, these three, and the greatest of these is love."

God Prays Back

Photo credit: Pat Lucas

 Kara,

I Am here -

Listening with you to the bird calls.

Rejoicing with the surprise of hyacinth,

the laughter of daffodils...

Smiling, for the promise of renewal

all around. 

I Am near: 

the Breath you inhale,

the Melody you hear,

the Feast you taste,

With each moment, each heartbeat

Each pulse of body, of nerve

I Am holding all you offer:

Bottles for tears; 

Incense for intercessions;

Words deeper than you know

for all the wonder and pain

knowing no words to contain them.

I Am with you.
.

Prayer

God, 

I'm waiting, as much as I know how,

in the clearing,

cupped hands waiting with anticipation

for the song of my life to light,

beam in sounds only I understand.

I'm walking, the mountain

of my experiences,

the fossils impressed 

on craggy memories, beaten by the sea 

wreckage known only to those who died on similar shores.

I'm willing, to be opened

petal by petal

to face the glorious light,

to feel the ache of space,

to know what it means to be planted.

As long as You are with me.

Branded

CREDIT: HTTPS://WWW.PINTEREST.CO.UK/PIN/13581236377084308/

As I walked behind an extremely tattooed man this afternoon, I wondered if a tattoo might make me cool. At 19, when I spent a summer in Alaska, the housekeeping lead for my small group of room cleaners also ran a small side business out of the staff housing inking skin. I considered doing something small somewhere on my ankle, maybe (I really don't remember.), but I thought better of it. My liver thanks me to this day (dirty needles = hepatitis, and I'm guessing his were NOT clean). 

Of course nothing will make me cool. I'm just not one of those people. But sometimes I dream that I could be. 

I believe the flight of fancy into body brandedness/self-expression/symbol grew from some profound discontentment I feel at the moment. My currently chronic fatigue helps nothing, neither does my body's journey into menopause, but these are other stories. Today my fidgetiness took me to the second floor walking "track" at my place of employment, which led me to a patio walled in by large, reflective mirrored windows, stacked one atop the other 10 floors high. The city streets hummed below, clouds parted indiscriminately to let their blue show, and several people stepped out to smoke. 

I considered the planes I've seen landing from this patio, dreamed about freedom and movement, exploration and adventure. I would have happily stayed outside the rest of the afternoon, but soon someone texted me and asked about meeting, I completed my lap, and I finished the day inside, with no window, staring at my computer screen.

The pattern has carved the Grand Canyon in my brain: a deeply held discomfort with the present leading me to seek escape. In this way, I am an addict as much as my brother is. I think the realization gives me more compassion for him, but not always. Some days I think my baseline wariness grows from early childhood wonderings of when the next explosion (or implosion) might occur - it's hard to rest when you're always on guard.

Because I have moved a lot, years of experience whisper to me how good I have it, here and now. For most of the places I longed to leave, I look back and see all the joy, the friendships, the unique opportunities each place offered. I usually don't regret leaving, but I recognize my wrestling with the present only left me with a limp and no blessing. 

The practice of The Examen helps me see the good in each day, but I still wrestle, and recently, I'm going all 3 periods in a days-long tournament. 

Maybe one day I will become "unmarked" by this way of living in the world. I know I have some work to do to help the process along, but I trust God is in the details with me, loving me all the while. 

PRACTICE

Lectio Divina: Read the following passage through after a few deep breaths and pay attention to any word or phrase which sticks out for you. Read through again and pay attention to anything further you notice about the word/phrase and how it applies to you. Read through again and spend time in prayer with the word/phrase asking God what you need to understand/know/do with the word/phrase (i.e., How might God be guiding you? What needs your further action? Where may your understanding need to be changed or expanded? How may this impact your relationship with someone else?). End with a time of thanksgiving. 

Genesis 32:24-31, NRSV

24 Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he struck him on the hip socket, and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. 26 Then he said, “Let me go, for the day is breaking.” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go, unless you bless me.” 27 So he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” 28 Then the man[a] said, “You shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with humans[c] and have prevailed.” 29 Then Jacob asked him, “Please tell me your name.” But he said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And there he blessed him. 30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “For I have seen God face to face, yet my life is preserved.” 31 The sun rose upon him as he passed Penuel, limping because of his hip.

Breaking the Box

Photo credit: Freepik

 A time comes when only impossible decisions exist, and still a decision must be made. 

. . .a phrase I said multiple times today.  

As I sit to write these reflections daily, I often write about a theme of the day or moments which capture my attention in some way. Today, the chorus sings of how the past shapes the present on personal and societal levels. I obviously had some hard conversations to speak melodramatically about impossible decisions, yet the weight of the circumstances felt congruent with the statement.

In each case, prior occurrences shaped current realities, and the results were heartbreaking.

To personalize today's theme, my father spent the day with my long-addicted brother. He bought him $300 worth of groceries from the Piggly Wiggly and gave him money for electricity. He admonished my brother to connect with a church and find people who would help him, "because I won't always be around." My stomach tightened and my shoulder drew tightly together as Dad spoke. 

My brother's addiction started when he was 11 years old and made friends with the wrong friends. The addictions have never stopped and neither have my parents' rescue efforts. The codependent pattern pirouettes to the same 8 measures of music over and again. The box has not changed, neither has the script - they are just 51 years older - a little rusted, caked with dust and curled at the edges. 

Still, my reaction remains physical and defensive. Experts may argue whether "The Body Keeps Score" holds any truth, but in my experience, it does. Science also shows those with Adverse Childhood Experiences have higher rates of diabetes, high cholesterol, depression, and other diseases, and Genetics tells us even the molecular structure of our DNA changes with trauma AND can be passed on to our children. 

Trauma has changed me at a molecular level and lives in every cell of my body. . .of course my stomach tightens and my shoulders rise to meet my ears. 

Earlier in the evening, my dear J and I drove to get gas, and I mentioned an errand I hoped to complete, and he said, "Are you sure you want to do that?" Again, something clicked inside me - an annoyance - no, an anger I initially chose to silence. Then I decided not to silence it. 

By the end of trying to wrap reason around anger, I realized his words caused me to question my own desire and brought a sense of shame. I also recognized he acted out of his Southern upbringing where he would be rude to assert his opinions or needs, so a good Southerner "helps" the person come around to his or her way of thinking. Emotional manipulation becomes the means to align goals quickly and effectively. 

While I was angry with J, my anger's foundation formed years ago in a Southern culture which taught my mother to use guilt and shame as tools to shape her children. I, in turn, learned to second-guess my own thoughts, desires and goals - because to have them caused others to feel discomfort. . .an even older music box, likely a hold over from some English code of social conduct. . .and the ballerina keeps spinning round and round - moving perpetually, yet never making progress.

My centering prayer reading today discussed the outcomes of the practice. While the practice consists of sitting still in God's presence in order to be with God, the goal is to hear the calling to the action of God in the world. We "move in the Love of God" to share the Love the God.

My prayer is for all the endlessly pirouetting ballerinas (and ballerinos) to finally have freedom to dance to whatever music fills their hearts. To find the melody moving them forward. To spin and leap and bound boldly through the beautiful grace of their lives.

PRACTICE

Lectio Divina: Read the following passage through after a few deep breaths and pay attention to any word or phrase which sticks out for you. Read through again and pay attention to anything further you notice about the word/phrase and how it applies to you. Read through again and spend time in prayer with the word/phrase asking God what you need to understand/know/do with the word/phrase (i.e., How might God be guiding you? What needs your further action? Where may your understanding need to be changed or expanded? How may this impact your relationship with someone else?). End with a time of thanksgiving. 

Ephesians 2:3-10, NRSV

3 All of us once lived among them in the passions of our flesh, doing the will of flesh and senses, and we were by nature children of wrath, like everyone else, 4 but God, who is rich in mercy, out of the great love with which he loved us 5 even when we were dead through our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ[c]—by grace you have been saved— 6 and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places[d] in Christ Jesus, 7 so that in the ages to come he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God— 9 not the result of works, so that no one may boast. 10 For we are what he has made us, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we may walk in them.

Sparkling

 

I'm just finishing up all of my work for today, at 10:46pm on a Friday night. Not what I would like to be doing on a Friday night - especially since I will be working the next 7 days straight. Like many situations, the blessing/curse motif covers the length of this day, the length of this night, of work. I need the encounters to keep my salary, but all the encounters make for extremely long days. I'm tired, again.

I sat across from my father as we ate dinner together tonight. He looked tired, too. At (almost) 90 years, his eyes, which have always sparkled, did not sparkle. He stared somewhat blankly at the floor and at me as well. Since my mother's death, his world grows smaller, especially as other friends have also died or are now sick and homebound, unless they are hospital bound. He often tells me he has "done nothing" during a day. 

I met a woman, in her mid-80's, during my GSD (group spiritual direction). She led the group having participated in groups for decades and growing into the position of leadership. She has written some guides/resources for GSD, and while she worries about "when" she needs to stop engaging with GSD, she finds joy when leading or teaching. The sparkle is still there for her.

Is my father depressed? Maybe. My bigger fear hisses he may be close to releasing the thread. 

When we moved back to Alabama, we did it because I feared not having time to spend with my father before he died. My adult self wanted to know my Dad better. I figured living close by would provide more opportunities for interactions. Little did I imagine we would buy my family home and move in with Mom and Dad. Mom's death blindsided us, and now we have lived 3 years without her. 

Maybe I would not have known my father if my mother had continued living. She talked as much as he sat silently. He still sits silently, though his cell phone addiction keeps the reels rolling. Any question may receive an answer, but more often than not, they don't. 

For dear J, the lack of communication creates stresses only he fully appreciates. For me, Dad was, and continues to be, the "silent-type." Still, the silence seemed something he chose as an adult, but now, the silence imprisons him, maybe. I do not assume I know the inner workings of his mind, but it's the sense I get. 

In GSD, they talk about creating space with silence - the space becomes the place where God arrives and fills the heart and soul. I see a lot of retirees on the 6:30 am centering prayer call, and at the end, they greet each other kindly and wish each other blessings on the day. The silence creates space, but it also creates community. I sometimes wonder if my Dad would benefit from belonging to a group like that.

Yet, he no longer strays far off course. He has his church and church people. He takes "a ride" on roads he has driven for years and he sits in his chair - doing Sudoku, accepting the occasional phone call and letting the algorithm fill his ears with jokes and TV game shows. And the sparkle has slowly faded.

I worked in hospice care long enough to know a body gets tired and longs to return to dust. I wonder if Dad nears that edge of life. Looking in his eyes tonight, it seemed he might be looking at the horizon - or maybe the call from my long-addicted brother, asking for assistance again, simply put him in a funk. But, of course, he said nothing of this when I asked him about his day, "I've just been sitting here," he said.

I've been reminded of late that everything has a season, and I look for snowflakes or flaming leaves or fireflies or daffodils. Maybe different segments of myself live in different locales, but I *think* I would like to settle in one place for a while. So I'm centering and praying to find the place, the season I am in, but really, I hope to create the space with this silence where God will arrive and fill me with God's fullness and Love.

PRACTICE

Lectio Divina: Read the following passage through after a few deep breaths and pay attention to any word or phrase which sticks out for you. Read through again and pay attention to anything further you notice about the word/phrase and how it applies to you. Read through again and spend time in prayer with the word/phrase asking God what you need to understand/know/do with the word/phrase (i.e., How might God be guiding you? What needs your further action? Where may your understanding need to be changed or expanded? How may this impact your relationship with someone else?). End with a time of thanksgiving. 

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-15

3 For everything there is a season and a time for every matter under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3 a time to kill and a time to heal;
a time to break down and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance;
5 a time to throw away stones and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to seek and a time to lose;
a time to keep and a time to throw away;
7 a time to tear and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
8 a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What gain have the workers from their toil? 10 I have seen the business that God has given to everyone to be busy with. 11 He has made everything suitable for its time; moreover, he has put a sense of past and future into their minds, yet they cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for them than to be happy and enjoy themselves as long as they live; 13 moreover, it is God’s gift that all should eat and drink and take pleasure in all their toil. 14 I know that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it nor anything taken from it; God has done this so that all should stand in awe before him. 15 That which is already has been, that which is to be already is, and God seeks out what has gone by.

Leap Year

Photo credits GettyImages 200318174-001

A day that leaps

- or even a year -

holding the extra time

(the precious moments)

which does not fit into

our framework of days

All the "misfits"

swept together

from one year to another

Until their congregation 

no longer needs to hide:

Parading and jumping and singing and dancing.

Then the 24 precious hours

are gone.

A sun rising high

A moon hollowing the sky

And I

sit here, thinking of you.

God and Fibonacci

Original image came from this website.

This image appeared in my pseudo-dream state during centering prayer (CP hereafter) this morning. I hate to admit my tendency to doze during CP, but it happens. The image in my brain's eye presented itself more black and white with markings indicating its form (i.e., related to a gastropod), but I recognized it as a question mark as well. 

Seemingly, the "squishy" bits of the animal inhabiting the shell, excretes calcium carbonate which eventually hardens into the shell spiral as seen above. The shape in mathematics has some relationship with the Fibonacci Sequence (though not perfect), and after taking way-too-much of a deep dive on this math professor's website, I read the following:

"We should really think of this curve as spiraling inward forever as well as outward. It is hard to draw; you can visualize water swirling around a tiny drainhole, being drawn in closer as it spirals but never falling in."

While my imagination wants to create some meaning to this symbol materializing during my CP practice ("Will my questions be forever spiraling toward me and away from me?" or "The Eternal came to me in my dream-state symbolically" or "my spiritual path is eternal," etc.), I think most who interpret dreams would say remembering this symbol is enough. So here it is - a memory which "may" last forever on the World Wide Web.

As is often the case when I write these daily missives, I am exhausted, so not much more to share. If I end up relating this to The Eternal - how striking for God to symbolize Self with a gastropod. According to the mathematician one finds this pattern on the branches of trees, pine cones, pineapples, the center pad of flowers (asters, sunflowers, daisies) - almost like God's fingerprints - God's presence? - mark all of creation. And if God is there, so is Love.

 PRACTICE

Lectio Divina: Read the following passage through after a few deep breaths and pay attention to any word or phrase which sticks out for you. Read through again and pay attention to anything further you notice about the word/phrase and how it applies to you. Read through again and spend time in prayer with the word/phrase asking God what you need to understand/know/do with the word/phrase (i.e., How might God be guiding you? What needs your further action? Where may your understanding need to be changed or expanded? How may this impact your relationship with someone else?). End with a time of thanksgiving. 

Genesis 1: 1-5, 9-13

1 When God began to create[a] the heavens and the earth, 2 the earth was complete chaos, and darkness covered the face of the deep, while a wind from God swept over the face of the waters. 3 Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. 4 And God saw that the light was good, and God separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, the first day.

9 And God said, “Let the waters under the sky be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear.” And it was so. 10 God called the dry land Earth, and the waters that were gathered together he called Seas. And God saw that it was good. 11 Then God said, “Let the earth put forth vegetation: plants yielding seed and fruit trees of every kind on earth that bear fruit with the seed in it.” And it was so. 12 The earth brought forth vegetation: plants yielding seed of every kind and trees of every kind bearing fruit with the seed in it. And God saw that it was good. 13 And there was evening and there was morning, the third day.

Hauntings

Website where I got this picture

The issue I have with attempting to be spiritual during the work week is my own inability to be spiritual at work. I easily fall into interior accusations of myself and others, wondering about my value, waiting to be undercut - from where does all the negativity arise? Psychologically, the answers come from a disrupted childhood - a personal set of ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) - and family dynamics which sheltered an abusing and abusive sibling while demanding perfection from me. The perfection equated to not creating a stir, excelling academically and, maybe most importantly, being quiet and submissive. 

If I acted out of those parameters, ostracization in the form of the silent treatment was standard. Then with a drug using sibling and enabling parents, I learned quickly lies pepper everyone's existence - even those people who maintain their Christian morals and values. 

Much of my life I've harped on honesty - demanding it of myself in relationship with others - and wanting it in return, but then suspecting intrigue - particularly if my heart was involved. One reason I initially loved J stemmed from his ability to live through my distrust until I realized my history did not need to be my future. He is also a genuine human being with a heart of gold, so all that helped cement my love, too.

Still, the questions fill my mind some days - ghosts of a life lived long ago - haunting me and obscuring my vision of what is actually happening around me. My training tells me all of those ghosts originate somewhere between my hippocampus and amygdala, and they get stirred up easily sometimes with cues I may not even recognize.

And again, centering prayer and mindfulness arrive to usher those parts of my brain to an oceanfront cabana with a cucumber-lemon water, sunscreen and a good book - if I take time to give them the time of day. Then somewhere in the doing, the breeze of the Spirit blows in reminding me of Love and God's Presence in and among all creation.

PRACTICE

Lectio Divina: Read the following passage through after a few deep breaths and pay attention to any word or phrase which sticks out for you. Read through again and pay attention to anything further you notice about the word/phrase and how it applies to you. Read through again and spend time in prayer with the word/phrase asking God what you need to understand/know/do with the word/phrase (i.e., How might God be guiding you? What needs your further action? Where may your understanding need to be changed or expanded? How may this impact your relationship with someone else?). End with a time of thanksgiving. 

Romans 8:31-35, 37-39 (NRSV)

31What then are we to say about these things? If God is for us, who is against us? 32He who did not withhold his own Son, but gave him up for all of us, will he not with him also give us everything else? 33Who will bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. 34Who is to condemn? It is Christ Jesus, who died, yes, who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who indeed intercedes for us.  35Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will hardship, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?  . . . 

37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.