Sparkling

 

I'm just finishing up all of my work for today, at 10:46pm on a Friday night. Not what I would like to be doing on a Friday night - especially since I will be working the next 7 days straight. Like many situations, the blessing/curse motif covers the length of this day, the length of this night, of work. I need the encounters to keep my salary, but all the encounters make for extremely long days. I'm tired, again.

I sat across from my father as we ate dinner together tonight. He looked tired, too. At (almost) 90 years, his eyes, which have always sparkled, did not sparkle. He stared somewhat blankly at the floor and at me as well. Since my mother's death, his world grows smaller, especially as other friends have also died or are now sick and homebound, unless they are hospital bound. He often tells me he has "done nothing" during a day. 

I met a woman, in her mid-80's, during my GSD (group spiritual direction). She led the group having participated in groups for decades and growing into the position of leadership. She has written some guides/resources for GSD, and while she worries about "when" she needs to stop engaging with GSD, she finds joy when leading or teaching. The sparkle is still there for her.

Is my father depressed? Maybe. My bigger fear hisses he may be close to releasing the thread. 

When we moved back to Alabama, we did it because I feared not having time to spend with my father before he died. My adult self wanted to know my Dad better. I figured living close by would provide more opportunities for interactions. Little did I imagine we would buy my family home and move in with Mom and Dad. Mom's death blindsided us, and now we have lived 3 years without her. 

Maybe I would not have known my father if my mother had continued living. She talked as much as he sat silently. He still sits silently, though his cell phone addiction keeps the reels rolling. Any question may receive an answer, but more often than not, they don't. 

For dear J, the lack of communication creates stresses only he fully appreciates. For me, Dad was, and continues to be, the "silent-type." Still, the silence seemed something he chose as an adult, but now, the silence imprisons him, maybe. I do not assume I know the inner workings of his mind, but it's the sense I get. 

In GSD, they talk about creating space with silence - the space becomes the place where God arrives and fills the heart and soul. I see a lot of retirees on the 6:30 am centering prayer call, and at the end, they greet each other kindly and wish each other blessings on the day. The silence creates space, but it also creates community. I sometimes wonder if my Dad would benefit from belonging to a group like that.

Yet, he no longer strays far off course. He has his church and church people. He takes "a ride" on roads he has driven for years and he sits in his chair - doing Sudoku, accepting the occasional phone call and letting the algorithm fill his ears with jokes and TV game shows. And the sparkle has slowly faded.

I worked in hospice care long enough to know a body gets tired and longs to return to dust. I wonder if Dad nears that edge of life. Looking in his eyes tonight, it seemed he might be looking at the horizon - or maybe the call from my long-addicted brother, asking for assistance again, simply put him in a funk. But, of course, he said nothing of this when I asked him about his day, "I've just been sitting here," he said.

I've been reminded of late that everything has a season, and I look for snowflakes or flaming leaves or fireflies or daffodils. Maybe different segments of myself live in different locales, but I *think* I would like to settle in one place for a while. So I'm centering and praying to find the place, the season I am in, but really, I hope to create the space with this silence where God will arrive and fill me with God's fullness and Love.

PRACTICE

Lectio Divina: Read the following passage through after a few deep breaths and pay attention to any word or phrase which sticks out for you. Read through again and pay attention to anything further you notice about the word/phrase and how it applies to you. Read through again and spend time in prayer with the word/phrase asking God what you need to understand/know/do with the word/phrase (i.e., How might God be guiding you? What needs your further action? Where may your understanding need to be changed or expanded? How may this impact your relationship with someone else?). End with a time of thanksgiving. 

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-15

3 For everything there is a season and a time for every matter under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3 a time to kill and a time to heal;
a time to break down and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance;
5 a time to throw away stones and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to seek and a time to lose;
a time to keep and a time to throw away;
7 a time to tear and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
8 a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What gain have the workers from their toil? 10 I have seen the business that God has given to everyone to be busy with. 11 He has made everything suitable for its time; moreover, he has put a sense of past and future into their minds, yet they cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for them than to be happy and enjoy themselves as long as they live; 13 moreover, it is God’s gift that all should eat and drink and take pleasure in all their toil. 14 I know that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it nor anything taken from it; God has done this so that all should stand in awe before him. 15 That which is already has been, that which is to be already is, and God seeks out what has gone by.