As I walked behind an extremely tattooed man this afternoon, I wondered if a tattoo might make me cool. At 19, when I spent a summer in Alaska, the housekeeping lead for my small group of room cleaners also ran a small side business out of the staff housing inking skin. I considered doing something small somewhere on my ankle, maybe (I really don't remember.), but I thought better of it. My liver thanks me to this day (dirty needles = hepatitis, and I'm guessing his were NOT clean).
Of course nothing will make me cool. I'm just not one of those people. But sometimes I dream that I could be.
I believe the flight of fancy into body brandedness/self-expression/symbol grew from some profound discontentment I feel at the moment. My currently chronic fatigue helps nothing, neither does my body's journey into menopause, but these are other stories. Today my fidgetiness took me to the second floor walking "track" at my place of employment, which led me to a patio walled in by large, reflective mirrored windows, stacked one atop the other 10 floors high. The city streets hummed below, clouds parted indiscriminately to let their blue show, and several people stepped out to smoke.
I considered the planes I've seen landing from this patio, dreamed about freedom and movement, exploration and adventure. I would have happily stayed outside the rest of the afternoon, but soon someone texted me and asked about meeting, I completed my lap, and I finished the day inside, with no window, staring at my computer screen.
The pattern has carved the Grand Canyon in my brain: a deeply held discomfort with the present leading me to seek escape. In this way, I am an addict as much as my brother is. I think the realization gives me more compassion for him, but not always. Some days I think my baseline wariness grows from early childhood wonderings of when the next explosion (or implosion) might occur - it's hard to rest when you're always on guard.
Because I have moved a lot, years of experience whisper to me how good I have it, here and now. For most of the places I longed to leave, I look back and see all the joy, the friendships, the unique opportunities each place offered. I usually don't regret leaving, but I recognize my wrestling with the present only left me with a limp and no blessing.
The practice of The Examen helps me see the good in each day, but I still wrestle, and recently, I'm going all 3 periods in a days-long tournament.
Maybe one day I will become "unmarked" by this way of living in the world. I know I have some work to do to help the process along, but I trust God is in the details with me, loving me all the while.
PRACTICE
Lectio Divina: Read the following passage through after a few deep breaths and pay attention to any word or phrase which sticks out for you. Read through again and pay attention to anything further you notice about the word/phrase and how it applies to you. Read through again and spend time in prayer with the word/phrase asking God what you need to understand/know/do with the word/phrase (i.e., How might God be guiding you? What needs your further action? Where may your understanding need to be changed or expanded? How may this impact your relationship with someone else?). End with a time of thanksgiving.
Genesis 32:24-31, NRSV
24 Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he struck him on the hip socket, and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. 26 Then he said, “Let me go, for the day is breaking.” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go, unless you bless me.” 27 So he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” 28 Then the man[a] said, “You shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with humans[c] and have prevailed.” 29 Then Jacob asked him, “Please tell me your name.” But he said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And there he blessed him. 30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “For I have seen God face to face, yet my life is preserved.” 31 The sun rose upon him as he passed Penuel, limping because of his hip.
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