Consolations

Photo credit here (on Etsy).

J and I jogged this morning in one of my favorite ways: exploring. We took a new path, ran around a *possibly* abandoned retreat area and ended the run at a new breakfast spot we had wanted to try. At the retreat center, I ran the small labyrinth they had (a first), then took a moment to pray in the center before running back out. The eatery (breakfastery?) celebrated sisters and decorated walls with pictures of sisters who visited. We ambled back bellies full of eggs, beignets and coffee. The middle of the day kept us busy with our various responsibilities. 

We spent the evening around a small public fire pit and another couple ended up sitting with us. We heard tales of romance, heartache, resignation and dedication and shared a few of our own. Now, J is playing an Irish melody in drop D tuning, and I write. I love days which flow from one adventure to the next and our world expands while dreams dance on the horizon.

I find it difficult to enter into this kind of space as often as I would like. Taking a new path, having time to dawdle, sharing it with J nourishes me. These will be my consolations today.* The goal, according to Sleeping with Bread, is to incorporate more consolations into life, so a net sum of joy fills our days. The joy becomes the avenue of God's love and grace to us and, by proxy, those around us. 

The book's premise reminds me of when I lived in Berkeley and one of the graduate students at First Pres studied Russian Literature. She said while she thought her father would frown on her choice of study, he surprised her by saying, "We need more people in the world who love what they do. If what you love is Russian Literature, go for it." Her words refreshed me when she related them, and they still do in the recounting.

May you find your consolations filling your cup to overflowing.

*Don't know what I mean by consolation? I talk about it here.

PRACTICE

Lectio Divina: Read the following passage through after a few deep breaths and pay attention to any word or phrase which sticks out for you. Read through again and pay attention to anything further you notice about the word/phrase and how it applies to you. Read through again and spend time in prayer with the word/phrase asking God what you need to understand/know/do with the word/phrase (i.e., How might God be guiding you? What needs your further action? Where may your understanding need to be changed or expanded? How may this impact your relationship with someone else?). End with a time of thanksgiving. 

Luke 6: 32-38, NRSV

32 “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 If you lend to those from whom you expect to receive payment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to receive as much again. 35 Instead, love your enemies, do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return. Your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, for he himself is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven; 38 give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap, for the measure you give will be the measure you get back.”

Taste and See

Photo Credits: Here (Taste of Home)

 I had a long conversation today with someone I met through the Group Spiritual Direction weekend. She talked about faith as the testing ground upon which a foundation of "proof" is built. Then, with enough proof, one no longer needs faith because the next step is trust. 

As we trust, we move from "hoping" or "trying" to do something, to taking action and "doing" whatever we set our minds to do, knowing God has our backs. We move from becoming to being, from jumping through the hoops to calling the shots and taking the steps toward a fulfilling life (because God, in fact knows what we need as we need it.).

Outside of the fact I am literally falling asleep as I am writing this, and these words could change my life - even my world - drastically - I will let the thoughts "simmer" for a bit and do some homework.

PRACTICE

Lectio Divina: Read the following passage through after a few deep breaths and pay attention to any word or phrase which sticks out for you. Read through again and pay attention to anything further you notice about the word/phrase and how it applies to you. Read through again and spend time in prayer with the word/phrase asking God what you need to understand/know/do with the word/phrase (i.e., How might God be guiding you? What needs your further action? Where may your understanding need to be changed or expanded? How may this impact your relationship with someone else?). End with a time of thanksgiving. 

Psalm 34

Of David, when he feigned madness before Abimelech, so that he drove him out, and he went away.

1 I will bless the Lord at all times;
    his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
2 My soul makes its boast in the Lord;
    let the humble hear and be glad.
3 O magnify the Lord with me,
    and let us exalt his name together.

4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me
    and delivered me from all my fears.
5 Look to him, and be radiant,
    so your[a] faces shall never be ashamed.
6 This poor soul cried and was heard by the Lord
    and was saved from every trouble.
7 The angel of the Lord encamps
    around those who fear him and delivers them.
8 O taste and see that the Lord is good;
    happy are those who take refuge in him.
9 O fear the Lord, you his holy ones,
    for those who fear him have no want.
10 The young lions suffer want and hunger,
    but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

Fog and mist

Photo found here.

 During chaplaincy training, my supervisor encouraged many of us to get in touch with our anger as most of us grew up in Christian traditions where anger equated sin. His life goals consisted of trying to get as many "good Christians" angry as possible. He also made comments about people who harp on grace or love as those who know the least about either - in receiving it or in giving it. We talked about the Johari Window - a cognitive psychological practice where one comes to understand his/her "blind spot" better, but also to recognize the parts of the self s/he keeps hidden (among other things).

While my group never participated in a Johari Window exercise, I occasionally think of the premise and wonder how often my blind spots show. And I *think* I'd want someone to give me the heads up, especially if it hampers relationally. Of course, I have a face that looks permanently ticked off if I am not actively smiling, so it's kind of baked in whether anyone "found it in her heart" to reveal this truth to me. 

I used to not know about the ticked off facial feature, however, or imagined it was that bad until this summer. We met a falconer, and he provided education about the birds, even allowing us to persuade the bird to land on our heavily leathered wrists via a small snack of meat. Well, someone took a picture while I raptly listened to his talk, and it looked as if my talons were out given the intensity of my glare.

I mention all of this because maybe most of us are not what we think we are. We are neither as good as we may think, nor are we as bad. I espouse love, but feel rage as my brother asks my father to give him a car. I kick myself for becoming engulfed by frustration over a situation with a coworker, but then have genuine happiness when the same coworker obtains a milestone. We are all colloids in this way - a mixture of sunshine and rain, oil and water - and we don't get separated until maybe the "last day" (in eschatological terms). 

While habits and practices will hopefully move me in more life-giving directions, I am not getting out of this matrix, and maybe if I accept it - embrace it even - my ability to experience God's love for me will grow. And maybe more important - my ability to accept and love others as they are will grow as well.

PRACTICE

Lectio Divina: Read the following passage through after a few deep breaths and pay attention to any word or phrase which sticks out for you. Read through again and pay attention to anything further you notice about the word/phrase and how it applies to you. Read through again and spend time in prayer with the word/phrase asking God what you need to understand/know/do with the word/phrase (i.e., How might God be guiding you? What needs your further action? Where may your understanding need to be changed or expanded? How may this impact your relationship with someone else?). End with a time of thanksgiving. 

Matthew 3:7-12 , NRSV

7 But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming for his[b]baptism, he said to them, “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath? 8 Therefore, bear fruit worthy of repentance, 9 and do not presume to say to yourselves, ‘We have Abraham as our ancestor,’ for I tell you, God is able from these stones to raise up children to Abraham. 10 Even now the ax is lying at the root of the trees; therefore every tree that does not bear good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire.

11 “I baptize you with water for repentance, but the one who is coming after me is more powerful than I, and I am not worthy to carry his sandals. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire. 12 His winnowing fork is in his hand, and he will clear his threshing floor and will gather his wheat into the granary, but the chaff he will burn with unquenchable fire.”  

Being Made Whole

Eighteen days left in Lent. I've done something for Lent over the last 3 years, and I find myself grasping for ideas, thoughts, plans about halfway through each time. Thinking about it, I recognize this as true for being halfway-ish through my life - if the self proclaimed prophetess was right in telling me God would give me 90 years. It's both freeing and anxiety-provoking to have a due date (an expiration date, an end?). 

I don't know what I expected mid-life to be, but sitting in my egg chair in the sunroom of my childhood home would not have crossed my mind. When I began my "work tourism" lifephase, I could not imagine it ending. I loved going new places, meeting new people, experiencing how people encountered life in different ways. When I finally landed in Memphis and met J, one way I knew he was "the one" was because I didn't want to move somewhere else away from him.

Memphis became home for about 7 years, then the school-itch returned, and we were off again. Two moves and 9 years later, we landed back in Alabama for reasons noted in earlier posts. Like the move to Memphis, the timing felt right; I had a knowing interiorly we needed to return, and my mother died 6 months later (I posted a reflection about this last year during Lent here.). Now, I work with teenagers and drive almost the exact route to work which I took to high school.

My grandmother once asked me when was I ever going to come home. As a woman who never lived outside of Alabama, I think my distance in my young adult years baffled her. She died when I was 30 and living in New Jersey. I don't know if she would have understood how this piece of land with a house felt nothing like home at the time. . .too many ghosts, too much silence. . .the pall of a culture which danced on the graves of women's aspirations, accomplishments and dreams. 

So I went searching, under acceptable guises, of course, and really, did I even know I was searching? A part of me did, I think, and when I landed in Berkeley I found a community of believers who trusted deeply in the healing power of Christ. As we completed our confession every week and the liturgist said, "Friends, believe the good news of the gospel." We replied, "In Jesus Christ, we are forgiven and are being made whole." The weekly repetition of the phrase worked its way into the cracks and crevices of my soul, feeding whole areas of my being and knitting together the rifts I had felt for decades. I still add "and are being made whole" each time I participate in confession because forgiveness is amazing, but the wholeness which comes from relationship with God is life-saving.

Augustine wrote in his confessions, "You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you." Somewhere in that statement there is a truth about finding home. Home isn't an address, but an expansion of our souls toward God, by God, in God, through God, then in that homecoming, we co-create (with God!) a space for others to discover the same, and we are opened to those ready to be our guides as well. 

Being back in Alabama is not always easy. This house still holds ghosts and sometimes silence, but they do not threaten to overtake me as they once did. Part of the grace of my life is my partner and friend, J, and in his spaciousness, I have been encouraged in my own - the expansion of my soul, the welcoming of home. And I find God in our life and the ways we walk this life together. I find, over and again. God's love is making me whole.

PRACTICE

Lectio Divina: Read the following passage through after a few deep breaths and pay attention to any word or phrase which sticks out for you. Read through again and pay attention to anything further you notice about the word/phrase and how it applies to you. Read through again and spend time in prayer with the word/phrase asking God what you need to understand/know/do with the word/phrase (i.e., How might God be guiding you? What needs your further action? Where may your understanding need to be changed or expanded? How may this impact your relationship with someone else?). End with a time of thanksgiving. 

Acts 17:23-28, NRSV

 23For as I went through the city and looked carefully at the objects of your worship, I found among them an altar with the inscription, ‘To an unknown god.’ What therefore you worship as unknown, this I proclaim to you. 24The God who made the world and everything in it, he who is Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in shrines made by human hands, 25nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mortals life and breath and all things. 26From one ancestorhe made all nations to inhabit the whole earth, and he allotted the times of their existence and the boundaries of the places where they would live, 27so that they would search for God and perhaps grope for him and find him—though indeed he is not far from each one of us. 28For ‘In him we live and move and have our being’; as even some of your own poets have said,  ‘For we too are his offspring.’

Photo credit: https://gaiaorion.com/products/wholeness-oil-on-canvas-90-x-90-cm?pr_prod_strat=e5_desc&pr_rec_id=fc33e333d&pr_rec_pid=4465649745969&pr_ref_pid=4469702361137&pr_seq=uniform

It's Like Breathing

 I found myself asleep again today during my 20 minutes of centering prayer. I had spent some time exercising in the morning and before I started on my will-this-thing-ever-be-finished project, I opted to engage in my current Lenten prayer practice. 

The book which sort-of guides me in this process has a couple of pages of text and then a mantra to use while praying and a select scripture passage for lectio divina. I say "sort-of guides" me because it has forty days of entries and I read the 7th one today. Clearly, I'm not on track.

The entry I read today talked about the interaction of Moses with God at the burning bush, but specifically the name of God. The writer discussed how God used the first person singular of the verb "to be" to name God's person, "Ehyeh," I AM. In the writer's interpretation, he says in pronouncing the word, one breathes - In on "eh" and out on "yeh," and then he goes one step further. He suggests the name of God correlates with the sound of breathing. By taking in a breath through the mouth, we verbalize "eh," and as we breath out, with mouth open, we verbalize "yeh." 

Without even recognizing it, we "say" God's name with every breath - as if it is a constant reminder of God being with us, in us, outside of us, all around us. We do not escape God. "Bidden or unbidden God is here," was reportedly posted in Carl Jung's office - and if we take this idea of "Eh - yeh" to heart (and add in a creation story), the breath of God which first enlivened humankind is actually "I AM" moving in and out of us - all of us - to this day. 

The idea has implications for praying without ceasing as well, but we spring-forward tonight, so no additional chasing this line of thought.

Interestingly enough, the name of God changes to the third person singular masculine form of the verb since naming something implies power over it - but seriously, God gave the name to Moses in the first place. We didn't name God, God named God and then told us about it. If God didn't want the name used, why give it? And, of course, by giving God the 3rd person masculine form, one immediately says something about gender dynamics and power structures. 

Going back to Genesis, "Then God said, “Let Us make humankind in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the livestock and over all the earth, and over every crawling thing that crawls on the earth.” Notice the third person plural? The term for God in the Hebrew there is a plural form, and God's name as God gives it is without a gender, "I AM." We are created in God's image, male and female.

I hear the rumblings about what I may be saying, and sure, other places God is called by masculine terms (a lot of them by Jesus), but culture shapes our understanding of God and we have to be mindful of this. . .

And we have to breathe: "Eh," "yeh"; "Eh," "yeh"; "Eh," "yeh"

PRACTICE

Lectio Divina: Read the following passage through after a few deep breaths and pay attention to any word or phrase which sticks out for you. Read through again and pay attention to anything further you notice about the word/phrase and how it applies to you. Read through again and spend time in prayer with the word/phrase asking God what you need to understand/know/do with the word/phrase (i.e., How might God be guiding you? What needs your further action? Where may your understanding need to be changed or expanded? How may this impact your relationship with someone else?). End with a time of thanksgiving. 

Exodus 3:13-17, The Message

13 Then Moses said to God, “Suppose I go to the People of Israel and I tell them, ‘The God of your fathers sent me to you’; and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ What do I tell them?”

14 God said to Moses, “I-AM-WHO-I-AM. Tell the People of Israel, ‘I-AM sent me to you.’”

15 God continued with Moses: “This is what you’re to say to the Israelites: ‘God, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob sent me to you.’ This has always been my name, and this is how I always will be known.

16-17 “Now be on your way. Gather the leaders of Israel. Tell them, ‘God, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, appeared to me, saying, “I’ve looked into what’s being done to you in Egypt, and I’ve determined to get you out of the affliction of Egypt and take you to the land of the Canaanite, the Hittite, the Amorite, the Perizzite, the Hivite, and the Jebusite, a land brimming over with milk and honey.”’

One World

 

St. Michael's, Kyiv, Ukraine

Photo credit: https://www.atptour.com/en/tournaments/kyiv/9558/overview

I lived in Kyiv, Ukraine from September 1998 to August 1999 on the "wrong" side of the Dnieper River in a Stalinist style flat on the fifth floor. My teammates and I walked to the Metro transporting us into downtown Kyiv where we taught English as a Second Language and found our way as aliens, foreigners, expats. 

After the new wore off, the daily realization of living somewhere completely outside of the USA's culture left blisters aching for some balm to soothe them. Kyiv was gritty, raw. The babushki sold cigarettes in the caverns of the Metro system, the recycled air smelled of garlic and sinus infection in the winter (which was long), and black footwear showed less of the gray dirt coating everything. 

I remember telling my sister around Christmas time how the USA seemed dream-like in its quality: No one stood in line for bread! Any and every kind of fresh vegetable and fruit lay clean and overflowing in any grocery store. A car made everything a convenience and brought the independence and freedom of an entirely higher class. (Mind you, this describes my experience in the South - a privileged experience not all those who live in the US have.)

Ukraine was reality, though. I had awoken from my dream and life had a bite, a scrappiness to it. You did what you had to do to survive, like eating Salo (pig fat) for calories because no other food was available or affordable. 

I sit in the sunroom in our home tonight and consider the contrast. I write these pondering and wanderings each night in Lent, but I have the luxury of reflection, of food security, of work, and of a calm domestic life. Many do not. 

So tonight, I offer prayers 

for those nations torn and traumatized by war, 

for aliens and foreigners in the US and abroad trying to find their way,

for the food insecure,

for the abused and the abusers,

for those who struggle to find rest 

                                        and money to pay the bills,

for the lonely, the suffering, the outcast.

Spirit, pray the prayers we know not how to pray

            and be with all of us

to heal us and to make us

agents of Your Love.

Practicing

 

Photo credit: "Festival of Lights" John August Swanson

"I no longer practice my faith." This line shimmered* for me as I sat listening to a teenager, and while the phrase is common, I began to consider what this phrase may mean.

Is faith a guitar? 6 (maybe 12) strings you tune then pick and strum everything from Elvis, to the BeeGees,  to Nirvana (and now, Taylor Swift)? And then the revelation of alternate tunings creates a drone with every chord or ushers you into yet another musical form? 

Is faith another language? Learning anew how to say "hello, my name is. . .where is the toilet, please?" Figuring out how words fit together differently than in your native grammar. Realizing you have to use your tongue, teeth and mouth with more "hutzpah" or trill or tone. Even the shape of the constants and vowels are alien, what looks recognizable sounds foreign when said. 

Is faith a sport? Teams tusseling on turf; tackling, sacking, striving to reach a goal to "win the prize"? 

Is faith handwriting? Manuscript paper and oversized pencils for nerves not yet myelinated for fine motor control - letters writ large across the top and dotted, so you can learn the curves of faith, the areas where the spaces are large, the narrow and straight path. . .the cross?

Is faith yogic in its mantra of "practice, not perfection" - a subtle wisdom whispering of the human condition which finds us falling short as we strive for one goal or another?

As I've spent daily time in centering prayer, I understand the need for practice. My mind fills with the day ahead (or the day behind), a conversation I wanted to have but didn't. Sometimes I fall asleep and startle awake at the ending song of the singing bowl. I return to my breath, consider how to tune in to God. My dog nuzzles me for attention and love. Getting into the zone takes time.

But this is not faith. I practice because the faith has already possessed me, because I have stood in its waterfall, been splintered by its power and held by its force. And yet, it is not the greatest of all that remains.

Again, I know more can be said, but not by me. May faith find you wherever you may be.

*During the GSD workshop, "shimmer" referred to a word, phrase, image a group member used which stood out to the one listening; as sign God may want the speaker/listener to delve into the word, phrase, image more.

PRACTICE (-ING)

Lectio Divina: Read the following passage through after a few deep breaths and pay attention to any word or phrase which sticks out for you. Read through again and pay attention to anything further you notice about the word/phrase and how it applies to you. Read through again and spend time in prayer with the word/phrase asking God what you need to understand/know/do with the word/phrase (i.e., How might God be guiding you? What needs your further action? Where may your understanding need to be changed or expanded? How may this impact your relationship with someone else?). End with a time of thanksgiving. 

Hebrews 11:1

"Now faith is the certainty of things hoped for, a proof of things not seen."

I Corinthians 13:13

"And now faith, hope, and love remain, these three, and the greatest of these is love."

God Prays Back

Photo credit: Pat Lucas

 Kara,

I Am here -

Listening with you to the bird calls.

Rejoicing with the surprise of hyacinth,

the laughter of daffodils...

Smiling, for the promise of renewal

all around. 

I Am near: 

the Breath you inhale,

the Melody you hear,

the Feast you taste,

With each moment, each heartbeat

Each pulse of body, of nerve

I Am holding all you offer:

Bottles for tears; 

Incense for intercessions;

Words deeper than you know

for all the wonder and pain

knowing no words to contain them.

I Am with you.
.

Prayer

God, 

I'm waiting, as much as I know how,

in the clearing,

cupped hands waiting with anticipation

for the song of my life to light,

beam in sounds only I understand.

I'm walking, the mountain

of my experiences,

the fossils impressed 

on craggy memories, beaten by the sea 

wreckage known only to those who died on similar shores.

I'm willing, to be opened

petal by petal

to face the glorious light,

to feel the ache of space,

to know what it means to be planted.

As long as You are with me.

Branded

CREDIT: HTTPS://WWW.PINTEREST.CO.UK/PIN/13581236377084308/

As I walked behind an extremely tattooed man this afternoon, I wondered if a tattoo might make me cool. At 19, when I spent a summer in Alaska, the housekeeping lead for my small group of room cleaners also ran a small side business out of the staff housing inking skin. I considered doing something small somewhere on my ankle, maybe (I really don't remember.), but I thought better of it. My liver thanks me to this day (dirty needles = hepatitis, and I'm guessing his were NOT clean). 

Of course nothing will make me cool. I'm just not one of those people. But sometimes I dream that I could be. 

I believe the flight of fancy into body brandedness/self-expression/symbol grew from some profound discontentment I feel at the moment. My currently chronic fatigue helps nothing, neither does my body's journey into menopause, but these are other stories. Today my fidgetiness took me to the second floor walking "track" at my place of employment, which led me to a patio walled in by large, reflective mirrored windows, stacked one atop the other 10 floors high. The city streets hummed below, clouds parted indiscriminately to let their blue show, and several people stepped out to smoke. 

I considered the planes I've seen landing from this patio, dreamed about freedom and movement, exploration and adventure. I would have happily stayed outside the rest of the afternoon, but soon someone texted me and asked about meeting, I completed my lap, and I finished the day inside, with no window, staring at my computer screen.

The pattern has carved the Grand Canyon in my brain: a deeply held discomfort with the present leading me to seek escape. In this way, I am an addict as much as my brother is. I think the realization gives me more compassion for him, but not always. Some days I think my baseline wariness grows from early childhood wonderings of when the next explosion (or implosion) might occur - it's hard to rest when you're always on guard.

Because I have moved a lot, years of experience whisper to me how good I have it, here and now. For most of the places I longed to leave, I look back and see all the joy, the friendships, the unique opportunities each place offered. I usually don't regret leaving, but I recognize my wrestling with the present only left me with a limp and no blessing. 

The practice of The Examen helps me see the good in each day, but I still wrestle, and recently, I'm going all 3 periods in a days-long tournament. 

Maybe one day I will become "unmarked" by this way of living in the world. I know I have some work to do to help the process along, but I trust God is in the details with me, loving me all the while. 

PRACTICE

Lectio Divina: Read the following passage through after a few deep breaths and pay attention to any word or phrase which sticks out for you. Read through again and pay attention to anything further you notice about the word/phrase and how it applies to you. Read through again and spend time in prayer with the word/phrase asking God what you need to understand/know/do with the word/phrase (i.e., How might God be guiding you? What needs your further action? Where may your understanding need to be changed or expanded? How may this impact your relationship with someone else?). End with a time of thanksgiving. 

Genesis 32:24-31, NRSV

24 Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he struck him on the hip socket, and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. 26 Then he said, “Let me go, for the day is breaking.” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go, unless you bless me.” 27 So he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” 28 Then the man[a] said, “You shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with humans[c] and have prevailed.” 29 Then Jacob asked him, “Please tell me your name.” But he said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And there he blessed him. 30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “For I have seen God face to face, yet my life is preserved.” 31 The sun rose upon him as he passed Penuel, limping because of his hip.

Breaking the Box

Photo credit: Freepik

 A time comes when only impossible decisions exist, and still a decision must be made. 

. . .a phrase I said multiple times today.  

As I sit to write these reflections daily, I often write about a theme of the day or moments which capture my attention in some way. Today, the chorus sings of how the past shapes the present on personal and societal levels. I obviously had some hard conversations to speak melodramatically about impossible decisions, yet the weight of the circumstances felt congruent with the statement.

In each case, prior occurrences shaped current realities, and the results were heartbreaking.

To personalize today's theme, my father spent the day with my long-addicted brother. He bought him $300 worth of groceries from the Piggly Wiggly and gave him money for electricity. He admonished my brother to connect with a church and find people who would help him, "because I won't always be around." My stomach tightened and my shoulder drew tightly together as Dad spoke. 

My brother's addiction started when he was 11 years old and made friends with the wrong friends. The addictions have never stopped and neither have my parents' rescue efforts. The codependent pattern pirouettes to the same 8 measures of music over and again. The box has not changed, neither has the script - they are just 51 years older - a little rusted, caked with dust and curled at the edges. 

Still, my reaction remains physical and defensive. Experts may argue whether "The Body Keeps Score" holds any truth, but in my experience, it does. Science also shows those with Adverse Childhood Experiences have higher rates of diabetes, high cholesterol, depression, and other diseases, and Genetics tells us even the molecular structure of our DNA changes with trauma AND can be passed on to our children. 

Trauma has changed me at a molecular level and lives in every cell of my body. . .of course my stomach tightens and my shoulders rise to meet my ears. 

Earlier in the evening, my dear J and I drove to get gas, and I mentioned an errand I hoped to complete, and he said, "Are you sure you want to do that?" Again, something clicked inside me - an annoyance - no, an anger I initially chose to silence. Then I decided not to silence it. 

By the end of trying to wrap reason around anger, I realized his words caused me to question my own desire and brought a sense of shame. I also recognized he acted out of his Southern upbringing where he would be rude to assert his opinions or needs, so a good Southerner "helps" the person come around to his or her way of thinking. Emotional manipulation becomes the means to align goals quickly and effectively. 

While I was angry with J, my anger's foundation formed years ago in a Southern culture which taught my mother to use guilt and shame as tools to shape her children. I, in turn, learned to second-guess my own thoughts, desires and goals - because to have them caused others to feel discomfort. . .an even older music box, likely a hold over from some English code of social conduct. . .and the ballerina keeps spinning round and round - moving perpetually, yet never making progress.

My centering prayer reading today discussed the outcomes of the practice. While the practice consists of sitting still in God's presence in order to be with God, the goal is to hear the calling to the action of God in the world. We "move in the Love of God" to share the Love the God.

My prayer is for all the endlessly pirouetting ballerinas (and ballerinos) to finally have freedom to dance to whatever music fills their hearts. To find the melody moving them forward. To spin and leap and bound boldly through the beautiful grace of their lives.

PRACTICE

Lectio Divina: Read the following passage through after a few deep breaths and pay attention to any word or phrase which sticks out for you. Read through again and pay attention to anything further you notice about the word/phrase and how it applies to you. Read through again and spend time in prayer with the word/phrase asking God what you need to understand/know/do with the word/phrase (i.e., How might God be guiding you? What needs your further action? Where may your understanding need to be changed or expanded? How may this impact your relationship with someone else?). End with a time of thanksgiving. 

Ephesians 2:3-10, NRSV

3 All of us once lived among them in the passions of our flesh, doing the will of flesh and senses, and we were by nature children of wrath, like everyone else, 4 but God, who is rich in mercy, out of the great love with which he loved us 5 even when we were dead through our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ[c]—by grace you have been saved— 6 and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places[d] in Christ Jesus, 7 so that in the ages to come he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God— 9 not the result of works, so that no one may boast. 10 For we are what he has made us, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we may walk in them.