The late afternoon mixed spring skies with winter winds. I considered walking from my hotel to the nearby shopping area, but thought better of it the longer I stood in the wind unpacking the car. From my room's windows, gazebos frame the pool and a man-made lake lies just beyond, then houses beyond the lake. Ducks and geese floated atop the lake, and eventually, a young teenager explored the water's edge from his backyard.
I grew reflective as the setting sun turns the sky butter yellow and sweet potato orange; as blushes of pink flush the clouds and shadows lengthen. Maybe the ending of a day of work gives my mind time to relax or maybe my soul grieves one more day gone or maybe the shock of color ignites my right brain, but I wondered, for the millionth (billionth?) time of my life if I am living the life I want to live. I used to say "the life I am supposed to be living," and in doing so, placed inappropriate amounts of stress on myself and those who dealt with my worried chattering about "how does one know they are on the 'right' path"?
Often the worry mixed in the God component - was I praying the right way? asking the right question? getting still enough, for long enough, to hear enough of God? The consternation grew from the belief God had "A" plan (i.e. "ONE" plan) for my life, and it was up to me to find it. My current conundrum mirrors the solitariness of my youth - as if there is one way to live my life congruent with my life's ethos, pathos, and logos. I also maintain some implicit understanding that I must work (often hard) to figure out HOW to live life the way I "want" to live it.
And when I say "life I want," I'm meaning living a life with enjoyable and fulfilling work, while being able to provide for my family, while also having time to be with J, my Dad, our families, the dog; to engage in dance and music; to enjoy art; to travel; to plant gardens; to bake; to create.
Someone shared a story from Barbara Brown Taylor not too long ago. BBT was trying to decide between two good offers for work (I think), and she spent a good amount of time praying to God, asking for direction about which way was the "right" way. Eventually, she felt she heard God say, "Pick one."
Before I engaged in my last educational adventure, I sensed God saying something similar. Out of centering prayer, I recognized God to be an ever present companion, sanctifying life by being present in it. I could take action or not; choose to go in a direction which appealed to me or another, equally appealing direction. Any choice could be "God's choice" because God is here, with us.
Because I am a wandering soul, my perpetual question will likely be, "Is this the life I want to live? Or is there something else?" I suppose if the question comes up at all, the answer is likely "No, this is not the life you want to live. If it was, you wouldn't need to ask the question in the first place."
PRACTICE
Lectio Divina: Read the following passage through after a few deep breaths and pay attention to any word or phrase which sticks out for you. Read through again and pay attention to anything further you notice about the word/phrase and how it applies to you. Read through again and spend time in prayer with the word/phrase asking God what you need to understand/know/do with the word/phrase (i.e., How might God be guiding you? What needs your further action? Where may your understanding need to be changed or expanded? How may this impact your relationship with someone else?). End with a time of thanksgiving.
Psalm 103: 8-18
The Lord is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
10 He does not deal with us according to our sins
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as the heavens are high above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far he removes our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion for his children,
so the Lord has compassion for those who fear him.
14 For he knows how we were made;
he remembers that we are dust.
15 As for mortals, their days are like grass;
they flourish like a flower of the field;
16 for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
and its place knows it no more.
17 But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting
on those who fear him,
and his righteousness to children’s children,
18 to those who keep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments.
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