A time comes when only impossible decisions exist, and still a decision must be made.
. . .a phrase I said multiple times today.
As I sit to write these reflections daily, I often write about a theme of the day or moments which capture my attention in some way. Today, the chorus sings of how the past shapes the present on personal and societal levels. I obviously had some hard conversations to speak melodramatically about impossible decisions, yet the weight of the circumstances felt congruent with the statement.
In each case, prior occurrences shaped current realities, and the results were heartbreaking.
To personalize today's theme, my father spent the day with my long-addicted brother. He bought him $300 worth of groceries from the Piggly Wiggly and gave him money for electricity. He admonished my brother to connect with a church and find people who would help him, "because I won't always be around." My stomach tightened and my shoulder drew tightly together as Dad spoke.
My brother's addiction started when he was 11 years old and made friends with the wrong friends. The addictions have never stopped and neither have my parents' rescue efforts. The codependent pattern pirouettes to the same 8 measures of music over and again. The box has not changed, neither has the script - they are just 51 years older - a little rusted, caked with dust and curled at the edges.
Still, my reaction remains physical and defensive. Experts may argue whether "The Body Keeps Score" holds any truth, but in my experience, it does. Science also shows those with Adverse Childhood Experiences have higher rates of diabetes, high cholesterol, depression, and other diseases, and Genetics tells us even the molecular structure of our DNA changes with trauma AND can be passed on to our children.
Trauma has changed me at a molecular level and lives in every cell of my body. . .of course my stomach tightens and my shoulders rise to meet my ears.
Earlier in the evening, my dear J and I drove to get gas, and I mentioned an errand I hoped to complete, and he said, "Are you sure you want to do that?" Again, something clicked inside me - an annoyance - no, an anger I initially chose to silence. Then I decided not to silence it.
By the end of trying to wrap reason around anger, I realized his words caused me to question my own desire and brought a sense of shame. I also recognized he acted out of his Southern upbringing where he would be rude to assert his opinions or needs, so a good Southerner "helps" the person come around to his or her way of thinking. Emotional manipulation becomes the means to align goals quickly and effectively.
While I was angry with J, my anger's foundation formed years ago in a Southern culture which taught my mother to use guilt and shame as tools to shape her children. I, in turn, learned to second-guess my own thoughts, desires and goals - because to have them caused others to feel discomfort. . .an even older music box, likely a hold over from some English code of social conduct. . .and the ballerina keeps spinning round and round - moving perpetually, yet never making progress.
My centering prayer reading today discussed the outcomes of the practice. While the practice consists of sitting still in God's presence in order to be with God, the goal is to hear the calling to the action of God in the world. We "move in the Love of God" to share the Love the God.
My prayer is for all the endlessly pirouetting ballerinas (and ballerinos) to finally have freedom to dance to whatever music fills their hearts. To find the melody moving them forward. To spin and leap and bound boldly through the beautiful grace of their lives.
PRACTICE
Lectio Divina: Read the following passage through after a few deep breaths and pay attention to any word or phrase which sticks out for you. Read through again and pay attention to anything further you notice about the word/phrase and how it applies to you. Read through again and spend time in prayer with the word/phrase asking God what you need to understand/know/do with the word/phrase (i.e., How might God be guiding you? What needs your further action? Where may your understanding need to be changed or expanded? How may this impact your relationship with someone else?). End with a time of thanksgiving.
Ephesians 2:3-10, NRSV
3 All of us once lived among them in the passions of our flesh, doing the will of flesh and senses, and we were by nature children of wrath, like everyone else, 4 but God, who is rich in mercy, out of the great love with which he loved us 5 even when we were dead through our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ[c]—by grace you have been saved— 6 and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places[d] in Christ Jesus, 7 so that in the ages to come he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God— 9 not the result of works, so that no one may boast. 10 For we are what he has made us, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we may walk in them.
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