Hauntings

Website where I got this picture

The issue I have with attempting to be spiritual during the work week is my own inability to be spiritual at work. I easily fall into interior accusations of myself and others, wondering about my value, waiting to be undercut - from where does all the negativity arise? Psychologically, the answers come from a disrupted childhood - a personal set of ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) - and family dynamics which sheltered an abusing and abusive sibling while demanding perfection from me. The perfection equated to not creating a stir, excelling academically and, maybe most importantly, being quiet and submissive. 

If I acted out of those parameters, ostracization in the form of the silent treatment was standard. Then with a drug using sibling and enabling parents, I learned quickly lies pepper everyone's existence - even those people who maintain their Christian morals and values. 

Much of my life I've harped on honesty - demanding it of myself in relationship with others - and wanting it in return, but then suspecting intrigue - particularly if my heart was involved. One reason I initially loved J stemmed from his ability to live through my distrust until I realized my history did not need to be my future. He is also a genuine human being with a heart of gold, so all that helped cement my love, too.

Still, the questions fill my mind some days - ghosts of a life lived long ago - haunting me and obscuring my vision of what is actually happening around me. My training tells me all of those ghosts originate somewhere between my hippocampus and amygdala, and they get stirred up easily sometimes with cues I may not even recognize.

And again, centering prayer and mindfulness arrive to usher those parts of my brain to an oceanfront cabana with a cucumber-lemon water, sunscreen and a good book - if I take time to give them the time of day. Then somewhere in the doing, the breeze of the Spirit blows in reminding me of Love and God's Presence in and among all creation.

PRACTICE

Lectio Divina: Read the following passage through after a few deep breaths and pay attention to any word or phrase which sticks out for you. Read through again and pay attention to anything further you notice about the word/phrase and how it applies to you. Read through again and spend time in prayer with the word/phrase asking God what you need to understand/know/do with the word/phrase (i.e., How might God be guiding you? What needs your further action? Where may your understanding need to be changed or expanded? How may this impact your relationship with someone else?). End with a time of thanksgiving. 

Romans 8:31-35, 37-39 (NRSV)

31What then are we to say about these things? If God is for us, who is against us? 32He who did not withhold his own Son, but gave him up for all of us, will he not with him also give us everything else? 33Who will bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. 34Who is to condemn? It is Christ Jesus, who died, yes, who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who indeed intercedes for us.  35Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will hardship, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?  . . . 

37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.